worst nightmare ever!!!!!

::DISCLAIMER::the words you are about to read do not in any way accurately depict my friends, their hearts for me, or our friendships::

so i woke up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night....and no i didn't have a fever. i had a horrible dream...

i think the root is that i talked to billie-babe very briefly last night. we were both multi-tasking, didn't get very deep, kinda hung up with little "ugh" feeling, like i wish i could have driven on over to her house and had a real conversation.

but i couldn't.

so my dream...
i don't know where i was but all of the sudden han, ray, d and bill were standing there and they were telling me how they had been plainning a huge trip (not sure where, but i wanted to go). i was kinda confused, thinking, "gah, why haven't they asked me to come?" so i finally chimed in and invited myself...which is a little odd when they are my bff's. they looked at me like, "ok you've got to totally commit right this very minute and pay up right now to get a flight, and if you don't get on board right now you can't go"

a little abrupt, i know.

so my wheels are turning and i'm thinking, i should probably run this past jared first, before i spend a bunch of money and commit to being somewhere...what if he had other plans for us?? so i naturally said give me a little while to think about it. they all make this face at each other and i say "it kinda feels like you want me to say no, and you're making this hard on purpose" and one of them said "yeah, thats right, we want you to say no" (no sarcasm, completely truthful)

a little confused, i just stood there. finally one said "see you've been away from us for awhile, and you never do anything with us, so we are just ready to CUT ALL TIES!!!!"

now do you understand the whole waking up in a cold sweat deal?

that was it, no more dream, woke up, completely confused, tried to process the thoughts in the shower, only got more upset, not a good way to wake up.

so i've thought about it some:
1--i thought i was over my insecurity of being "replaceable," and i thought i was confident enough to know that my friends like me for me, not how flexible my plans are, how much money i have to jump on a plane with them, or the spontaneity factor. so i guess i realized i need to spend a little while focusing on my worth.

2-i don't talk to/see my friends enough! i mean i miss my girls so bad i'm having nightmares about it! i know we can't all hop on a plane and have a little rondevouz, but would a conference call suffice? and when i go weeks without calling, or have a crappy surfacey conversation, know that my heart longs for community with each of you. it's true.

so maybe the title of my blog should simply be "i miss my girls"